Delicious Ambiguity

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than those who watch for the morning,
more than those who watch for the morning.
(Psalm 130:5,6)

Waiting. Each morning I arise and wonder, is this the day all loose ends will finally fall into place? And when, oh when will I have that visa?

Today, while out running under the gorgeous afternoon sunshine, I was reminded of Psalm 130. Over the years, I have often returned to this Psalm in times of waiting. For the time being, I’m occupying an in-between space with a pile of clothes and medicines stacked in a suitcase in one room and my 9-month old niece playing and learning to crawl in the next.

Throughout my life, running has been a stress release and spiritual practice. Today was no different. With each stride next to the dry sagebrush of southeastern Washington state, I pounded anxiety away and praying, hoping in God.

These thoughts have come to me because this date is about the time of my original anticipated departure for Indonesia. Or so says my letter of agreement, drafted and signed back in the fall. Though still young in years, I have lived enough life to know things don’t always go as planned. Waiting, I know, is hard; but God is still here. God is here in this ambiguous space, and though I am impatient, I have peace.

Back in late July, in those few days of waiting after my interview at ELCA headquarters in Chicago and before I knew I had this position, I came across a quote. At my church (Church of the Apostles), we always have “Open Space” in the middle of worship. It is a time for prayer, reflection, and interaction. With an unknown future on my heart and mind, I walked a labyrinth during the open space. In the center was this quote:

“…some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.” — Gilda Radner

It is nighttime now, and like in the Psalm, my soul waits more than those who watch for the morning. Tomorrow, I will arise again, and wonder, is this the day I will know when I’ll depart for Indonesia? Is this the end or the beginning? But, sometimes in the end is the beginning, and they are indistinguishable.

I take this time of waiting and delight in life’s many blessings, hoping for the many blessings soon to come. Delicious ambiguity, indeed.

Update and Snow

A brief update: Waiting is hard. I’ll have to wait a bit longer to leave than was first anticipated. Today I used my photography skills to set up a mini-studio in my parents’ home to take a photo of myself for the visa. It was specified that said photo needed to be 4cmx6cm and have a red background. So I set up tripod and camera, then crafted my background next to a lamp and ran back and forth using the self timer. I suspect not many people would have as much fun taking a self-portrait like that.

Now, to the snow. The state of Washington has been hit with a winter storm, bringing snow across the state. Earlier today I frolicked in the white powdery landscape, knowing a month from now I’ll be daily experiencing much warmer temperatures, trading the winter season for the wet season.

Below is a video I made at the end of December. Although with the most recent winter storm, the mountain pass has a lot more snow, I post this to show the beauty of the mountains in Washington state…and the snow. In the future, I hope to post more videos, as time and bandwidth from Indonesia allow.

Sumatra Blue Batak

I originally drafted this post at the end of December, but have not been able to finish and post it until now.

I was out for a walk and decided to stop at the Peet’s Coffee. In the shop I ordered some tea, but a sign caught my attention. The sign, drawn in chalk said “Sumatra Blue Batak.” They were advertising for a free tasting of that blend. Another sign read: “Deeply hued, meticulously selected beans from the ethnic Batak region. A sweet, heavy, and aromatic cup perfect for the winter months.”

My first reaction was that of excitement. It won’t be long before I will set foot on Sumatra, reside at the shore of Lake Toba beside some dramatic scenery, and live among a community of women. Yes, soon I will be surrounded by all things Batak. I smiled, and had my own private moment of joy while paying for my tea.

Then I realized the other side to this coffee offering. Sumatra is so distant to most people in the USA, that the word “Sumatra” becomes synonymous with coffee, an aromatic cup of “meticulously selected” and roasted coffee beans (for a limited time only!). Indeed, a common reaction to my explanation that I’m going to be in Indonesia on the island of Sumatra, has been,”Ohh…the coffee!”

North Americans are privileged to have a selection of coffees from the beans grown in every region where coffee is grown. Even though coffee is not grown in the US, we can purchase a blend of Sumatran, Ethiopian, Colombian, or other country any day of the year in a vast amount of coffee shops all over the country. And we can do this without much thought to how it was purchased, who grew it, the culture of the people named in the advert (in this instance, the Batak people), or how it changed hands into North America.

I did not sample the Sumatra Blue Batak blend, although I’m sure I would have enjoyed the taste. Instead, I decided to wait until I am in Sumatra to sample Sumatran coffee. There is more to Sumatra and to the Bataks than coffee, and I hope to listen to and share their stories.

Training in Toronto

I have kicked off my journey with ELCA Global Mission by a training event in Toronto. It is a 2-week event run by the Canadian Churches Forum on Global Ministries and includes other soon-to-be missionaries from various denominations in North America.

The program started last week and will continue through this week. Below is a photo of us Lutherans, hard at work.

Advent

I am in the waiting time. And as it is the season of Advent, I am also waiting for the birth of Christ, God with us. As I anticipate serving in Indonesia (in 2 months!), and meeting the beautiful community there, I also hold dear my community in Seattle. This photo is from my home, my community of Church of the Apostles. During every worship, we have a time called “open space” when we are free to move about, pray, sit—whatever. There are always places for us to reflect.

Blessed 3rd week of Advent.

Waiting. And Writer’s Block.

It is December. Somehow time has passed. It now gets dark at 4pm, while a blanket of gray covers the daylight. I have written several drafts of posts, but I haven’t finished any. I sit and stare at the nearly blank screen, sentence half written, and wonder how to communicate this inner process, the slow death of my life here. There are stages to this process…joy, elation, anticipation, anxiety, stress, mourning. There is fun, like imbibing on food (such as coconut porter beer w/a scoop of vanilla ice cream…yeah!), hanging out with friends, and attempting to learn Bahasa Indonesia. Then there is the stress of pulling together many details and signing papers.

I am in a time of waiting, even though there is plenty on my to-do list. Now just under two months until the intended departure from my country, to a new home and new community. My mind races with what I’m letting go, and what I’ll be receiving. But I’m still in waiting about the visa.

Perhaps that I am easily distracted, often tired, and full of so many thoughts, have contributed to my writers block. Until I regain my flow of writing, enjoy this picture below. It is one of the photos I included on the 2012 Calendar I just created. I thought I’d sell a few to my friends at church, and then posted about it on facebook. Well, people took note, and many wanted a copy. I’m so grateful, and it was fun to make. Below is the photo I selected for July—though it was taken in April 2010. I was on a retreat with my beloved community, Church of the Apostles. So those leaping silhouettes are people I care about and will miss…

Goodbye, Autumn

As the days draw nearer to the Winter Solstice, the trees have become increasingly bare. Their leaves fall from branches, showering the earth with a cascade of color. Wet and clumped together, the leaves cover sidewalks and dot the still green grass. This being the Pacific Northwest, there is still plenty of green and growth that will last even through winter. Here, the Autumn is a mystical time of changing colors, foggy mornings, and rain. When clouds part, the distant mountain ranges reveal freshly snow-covered jagged peaks, a grand contrast against a deep blue sky.

And I am in the process of saying goodbye to it all, wondering how the change of country, culture, and climate will change my faith.

I am reminded of something I wrote 10 years ago, when I was studying abroad in Tuebingen, Germany. I wrote this after taking a meditative walk, holding a leaf:

My leaf was wet with dew. I noticed the leaves as they fell, how some fell straight down to the ground, others fell on top of branches and bushes, and yet still more floated gracefully and gently to the earth. Each leaf has a different shape, size and color. The leaves that became dry were easily crunched. Every leaf that fell to the ground covered the ground and would someday become a part of the earth. This is a cycle, this is a season. The leaves that were on the trees have served their purpose and it is time to move on. In the spring, new leaves will take their places and it will happen again. My life has changed seasons…

I may not know completely, how the season of my life will change, but I trust God for the guidance, and wait with joy and expectation for what is to come in my new home and community in Indonesia.

Below are photos from walking in Seattle this year:

Click the link to expand the post and see a few more photos I have taken this autumn in Seattle.